灼眼のシャナ

Whenever I look at other guys who are slim and good looking, I can’t help but feel sad for myself. A past that I hated and a present that is dreadful, life can never get any better with me. I wonder who I have offended, or is the problem really myself. Do I lack the drive to do things or not?

The problem with people is that they judge you by how you look. So people who have never been fat, ugly or insulted in the form of bullying will never know how it feels.

Remember a time when bullying was ignited as a serious affair just because a few committed suicide because of bullying. I am a victim of one and i’m not afraid to admit it. That was during a time when I was in Secondary 2 back in Singapore. I was fat, overweight and ugly. Some classmates of mine saw that my face was nice to bully and very detestable, so they played pranks on me. Well, let’s not go too deep into how bad the pranks were but I can tell you it left a deep impression in my heart. I felt helpless and blamed myself for how I look then. I went pass that phrase of life and now at college, I work part time and face people in the outside world as well as school. They look at me like some kind of freak because I have cracked lips due to a skin condition. Everywhere I go, stares follow. I told my brother once during one of my quarrels that whenever we go out together. Both he and me got stares from people. I mentioned that people stare at him because he is good looking and slim. Trust me, lots of girls came chasing after him and my life is filled with overshadowing. Girls talk to me to ask my my brother’s phone number. On the contrary, I don’t make any friends, much less a girlfriend. Tough luck I did say? As I was saying, people stare at my brother because he is handsome whereas people stare at me because I look weird and hideous. This is specially selected to contrast him and me. However, I don’t pick fights with him, usually he would be the one to pick fights. Just because he is an extrovert, he feels that everywhere is his secure place. For introverts like me who indulges in animes, I don’t blend in well to being extroverts. I seek solace in something to make me feel good about myself. But sometimes, I just feel that i’m a mistake in this world. A world that lets perceptions do the work of knowing someone.

This is just a brief gist of my life, no doubt has it been eventful, but the experiences made me wiser and of course they were unpleasant, but life goes on. Hopefully someday people would learn to accept me for who I am and not by how I look. Of course, I yield for someone to love me. Love that a girlfriend can give and those that my parents showered on my brother more than me. That’s all I can do, at times I cry at night. For boys, it is painful, very painful because you are deem as a man and a man cannot weep in front of others. So nobody really knows how I feel. I genuinely care for someone but that someone don’t treat me the same. I help them but they took it for granted. I sacrifice my time for them but when they do archieve something because I helped them, I don’t get recognised. This is cruel, but this is life. I need to be strong and practical. Hopefully a day would come when I suddenly become good looking or slimmer. Nevetheless, it will never happen and please, empathise with others, don’t take people around you who treats you well but you cannot remember for granted.