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10. Signal Sex (Updated 25 Jan 09)

A young deaf-mute couple got married. At first, they have sex with the lights on, in order to sign to each other.
One day, the woman asks, “Can we try to make love with the lights off?”
The man says, “OK, but how will you know when I want to make love?”
The woman says, “Well, when you’re in the mood, just shake my left breast once, and I’ll know. If you don’t want to, shake my right breast once.”
The man says, “All right. And if you want to make love to me, shake my penis once, if you do not want to make love to me, shake my penis about 50 times.”

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9. Friends aren’t we

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don’t even know you!”

Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.”

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8. Men and Women

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there’s a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances,” they explained. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.” The man looked horrified and said, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my wife!” “Well,” said the CIA man, “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,” they explained to the second man. “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.” The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. “I tried to shoot her; I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”

“No,” the CIA man replied, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. “We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.” The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!”

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7. Wrong Number

It’s Saturday morning and Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.

“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey!”

“Yes, I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!”

“Okay, then. Here’s what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car’s just pulled up outside the house.”

“Okay, Daddy!” A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “Well, I did what you said, Daddy.”

“And what happened?”

“Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she’s all dead.”

“Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?”

“He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he’s dead too.”

There is a long pause.

“Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?”

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6. Pre-Nuptial Agreements

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York.
The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

“I’ll only marry you under three conditions.”

“Anything, anything,” said the ambassador.

“First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement.”

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, “Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!”

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

“Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France.”

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, “Yes, yes, I build, I build!”

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

“Finally,” she said. “I’ll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis.”

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, “Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!”

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5. Moon Talk

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,” statement but followed it up with several remarks to the other astronauts and Mission Control.
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, “Good luck Mr. Gorsky.”

Many people at NASA thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.

However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the “Good luck Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 in Tampa, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

Armstrong explained, “When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. My friend hit a fly ball that landed in the front of his neighbor’s bedroom windows. My neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, “Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”

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4. What is Politics? (Note: This was adapted a few years back then when Tony Blair is the Prime Minister of UK whereas Gordon Brown is the Finance Minister)

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
Father: Sure, son. What’s the question?
Son: What is politics?
Father: Well, let’s take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let’s call me “Tony Blair.” Your mother is the administrator of money, so we’ll call her “Gordon Brown.” We take care of your needs, so we’ll call you “the People.” We’ll call the maid “the Working Class,” and your baby brother we can call “the Future.” Do you understand, son?
Son: I’m not really sure, Dad. I’ll have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his baby brother’s crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents’ room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid’s room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy’s knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.
Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?
Son: Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.
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3. Cheaper Than a Doctor

There was a man whose elbow hurt so he told his friend he was going to the doctor. His friend told him to go to the pharmacy where there is a machine that for ten dollars and a urine sample will tell you what is wrong with you. So he went to the pharmacy and put the ten dollars and his urine sample in. After a minute a paper came out and said that he has tennis elbow and he should soak his elbow in warm water for the next two weeks. That night, he decided the machine must be a fraud.
So, the next day he made a mixture of tap water, his daughter’s urine, his dog’s urine — and he added some of his own semen to it. He brought it to the pharmacy and put ten dollars and the stuff in. After a minute the paper came out and said, ”The tap water has lead, the dog has worms, your daughter is on drugs and she’s not your daughter.”

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2. Confessions of a Sam
 

Dear Doctor,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.

After getting married I was told to use the “Rhythm Method.” Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.

My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn’t work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It’s hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.

Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn’t surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.

My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.

The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas…it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it….another child resulted.

You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don’t mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.

Yours faithfully,

Sam Erectile

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1. Viagra Coffee

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him Viagra?”

The lady frowned. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.

“Well,” the doctor continued, “Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

“How did it go?” the doctor asked.

“Terrible, doctor, terrible.”

“Did it not work?”

“Yes,” the old lady said, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”

“Then what is the problem, ma’am?”

“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”

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